Taking forever to pick up laptop for return

I ordered a studio 14z notebook from Dell on July 8th. It arrived a few weeks later on the the 27th. The keyboard was defective and it suffered a blue screen of death a couple of times, so I decided to return it. On July 7th, I spoke with the sales rep who sold me the laptop and asked to return it. He asked me which model I would like to purchase instead and I told him I just wanted to return this one successfully before I bought another. He said that was fine and that Purolator would arrive on either the 11th or 12th to pick up my laptop. I didn't receive an e-mail or anything to confirm this. When no delivery truck had arrived by the thirteenth, I called him back and he said the return had not been authorized but that it definitely would be, if not today tomorrow, and that UPS (when did Purolator become UPS? oh well I don't really care if Santa Claus is on his way, I just want to get the thing returned) should show up on the 18th at the latest. When UPS never materialized, I called them to see if the pick-up had been scheduled and they told me no it hadn't. They said if I got Dell's UPS account number and postal code, I could schedule it myself but it seemed to me like Dell had their own ridiculous process that I didn't want to circumvent for fear of giving them an excuse to refuse a refund (plus I wasn't sure if they would tell me that information). So I called back the sales rep and spoke to his supervisor who authorized the return and told me UPS would arrive on the 24th to get my laptop. That seemed like a familiar story so I called back yesterday to receive some sort of confirmation and the sales rep told me UPS would be coming in 2-3 business days (wait a minute... that's the 25th or 26th, I thought it was supposed to be picked up on the 24th) and that he would send me an e-mail in half an hour to confirm the return. Well here I am, one day later and needless to say I never got an e-mail from him confirming anything.
I really doubt that UPS will be coming (fool me thrice shame on me?) but I'm not really sure what to do. The thirty day grace period that I have to return the laptop is running out. Also, I kind of need a laptop for university which is starting up soon. I've never returned anything to Dell but I've been told that I need a CRA number which I never received. It seems to me like Dell is hoping to wait me out until their satisfaction guarantee policy expires. My patience, which is usually in ample supply, is all but exhausted. Does anyone know who I have to shake down to get Dell to honour their return policy? Also, this was never made clear to me: am I supposed to be getting a refund or Dell credit (because the prospect of another Dell laptop is not all that appealing anymore)?

 

Sales reps can't issue return labels for systems (at least not in the US).

You need to contact Customer Care for your country...

 

I called customer care originally and they told me that I had to do the return through the salesperson that sold me the laptop. By the way, I live in Canada.